Stand-Up Comedy Portal
Have you seen that magazine “Barely Legal”? That means when you look at it, you’re “almost” a pedophile.
Dave Attell
There’s only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope (from Deadbeat Hero)

Daniel Tosh on Hitting Your Girl (from Happy Thoughts)

Chris Rock - Black People vs Niggaz (from Bring the Pain, 1996)

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
Bill Maher (from The Decider, 2007)

Amy Schumer - Sluttiest Friend - Extended (from Mostly Sex Stuff)

I like living in L.A. One thing I don’t like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I’m driving, and when I get bored, I go on the Internet on my Blackberry. So I’m gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they’ll find my phone and be like, whoa, that’s what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. It’ll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film “Willow.” A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was, indeed, in the film and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third “Willow”-related death this year.
Aziz Ansari (from Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening)