January 2013
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You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
– Chris Rock
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The Keith and The Girl 54-Hour Live Comedy... →
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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
– Billy Crystal
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You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
– Bob Hope
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I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there’s one a few...
– Bernie Mac
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A lot of people say that it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear....
– Billy Connolly
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The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays...
– Alan King
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I’m not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that...
– Albert Brooks
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I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I’d...
– Albert Brooks
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and...
– Alan King
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What’s real? What’s not? That’s what I do in my act, test how...
– Andy Kaufman
October 2012
14 posts
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The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other...
– Woody Allen quotes
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I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But...
– Jim Carrey quotes
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September 2012
98 posts
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of...
– George Carlin quotes
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Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take...
– George Carlin quotes
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One thing I hope I’ll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who...
– Jim Carrey quotes
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We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I...
– Bill Maher quotes
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The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I...
– Adam Ferrara quotes