You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
A lot of people say that it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer “fuck”.
The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.
I’m not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can’t happen. I just didn’t want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
What’s real? What’s not? That’s what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.
The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don’t.
I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, “I can’t commit to that, sorry!
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.